The Middle Ground...

                My goal in life is no longer to be happy. I only want to be content. I don’t want to be happy, for wanting to be happy is as absurd as wanting to be unhappy. Neither goal is worthy of the effort. For when you are trying to be happy, and you don’t achieve it, you end up unhappy. If your dumb enough to want to be unhappy, then you may achieve it, but you won’t be happy about it.

What if everything in life is like a guitar string. When it’s still, life is content. Neither happy or unhappy. Neither mad nor sad. It just is. Happiness, and unhappiness are the series of vibrations that happen when the string (life) is no longer still. The ups and downs so to speak, sure, being happy is amazing, except when your happy you know it won’t stay like that forever. Eventually, you’re going to be unhappy again. (That’s life) Same can be said in reverse, being unhappy isn’t always so bad, because you know eventually you’re going to be happy again. This theory can be applied to every aspect of our lives. For instance, when we feel we are unhappy in a relationship, it’s the counter balance to when we were/are happy in our relationship. Same goes for our jobs, or school, or any numerous possibility. Things won’t continually stay one way or another. It’s impossible. However if we shoot for only being content, then we are at the happiest we can be, without being unhappy, that goal is achievable. Then we are able to just enjoy (or not) the small ups and downs that will continue to vibrate our string as we continue through life. Simply by being, we are in fact being simple.

And that ladies and gentleman… is where I want to be.

Chaotic Redemption...

2,000 miles separating my old life with a new. Two People, one Dog, take a 4 day road trip ac cross America... No that isn't the opening of a bad joke... or is it? Fear of the unknown draws me forward. Success or failure is in our hands, and the rules have been changed. The game we play now is called sink or swim, it's a shame I'm still learning to dog paddle.

Someone once said that to see America, one must drive it. To fly you see only clouds and birds, to walk you never get far. I've seen a lot of America, and to be completely honest, one must leave their nest to truly 'see' America. - Timothy Ralston

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, I was more that I am, yet less than I was. What was that you ask? Lost. Fighting blindly through a snowstorm. Walking in loops around my head, and then I met someone... I was no longer alone. There was an equal half of my being. No longer lost, but following footsteps in circles all the same. A soul-mate? It was once thought, but never conceived. A friend by name, and only occasionally by nature. Two kindred spirits stalking their prey by way of shared knowledge. This started a journey together, as it lasted for several years. As all things must, the end came round as a form of dis-association. What often happens when time moves on, people change and things stay the same. There is a jarring in the foundation, that even friendships have difficulty withstanding. The cracks appeared slowly over the course of many breakups, long discussions, and hair being held. Looking from an outside perspective, people would say that it was only a matter of time anyway. However the pain is still there. Every time a spiders web glistens in the dew, or the breeze blows a pattern in the shadow, the blade twists just a bit, not quite drawing blood, but still that gasp of discomfort. Silence has lasted now for many months, with barely a whisper of a word between the two far and wide. Forgiveness... will come, even where none is deserved. The fault of one blamed on the actions of many doesn't change the words that come between. A simple hello, or meaningless goodbye should never fracture a love, as naive as it is strong. Because to love someone unconditionally can never be wrong.

- Do not be afraid of laying your heart on the table. Anytime something so delicate is exposed to the elements, it stands that it could be damaged. This is not something to fear, in fact, this is something to be embraced. Wounds heal, the sun is going to rise again tomorrow, and the day after that. Your pride may get hurt, your heart broken, but that pain and suffering give light to the entire world of happiness. You cannot experience happiness without sadness and fear. They work together in a dance of duality, and in some right are merely the mirrors reflection of the same. Love all. Love unconditionally. Love eternally. - Love Me....

Stop...

"Stop, just stop talking for a day," the rabbit said to the voices in her head. "The hand that feeds the mask is all awash in clay."

"Clay, clay you say," the voices replied, "How can one wash in clay?"

"The important part you see, is that it washes at all," said the rabbit, "You cannot be clean without being washed."

"But washing in clay would just make you dirtier, your logic isn't without flaw. And why feed a mask I ask?" The voice queried.

The rabbit hopping along her own way did say, "For it was hungry, do you not get hungry?"

"I do indeed," said the voice, "Now find me some mice brains."

-Zombie Rabbit- (Shudder)

Once, just once...

I want to stop caring about how others view me. If only for a minute, I want the world to care about how I see it. I feel that nature sometimes does, everytime the sun set's over the moutains, or the moon blooms full, that's the moment it is trying to be beautiful for only me. I am the one who see's it, I am the one breathing in the oxygen shrouded in hope. Me. A selfish man with selfish dreams, tearing along a path no one could possibly survive. If I fail, then it's me failing, if I win, then I own myself. Owning yourself is a power few can relate too. It's freeing, but still I care. The world owns me, but not for long. This is my stand, this is the now, the forever, and the only thing that matters. I am me whether you like it or not, a semi painted pallette of colors, waiting to be filled in. Knowledge, strength, wisdom, these are the things that fill my mural.

-"The strong take for granted that which beauty compares." Timothy Ralston

When the still...

The moment before dawn, there is silence in the city.
As the snow blows, and all movement stops.
Where crickets chirp, and coyotes howl, echo's fill the void.

This is the still.

When peace surrounds you, and fear lies flat at your feet.
A whisper of longing, causes your heart to flutter.
With the scent of a newborn flower, a smile breaks your face.

This is the still.

-As we go through life, we are constantly bombarded with chaos. Find your still where ever, and when ever you can. Remember that the still is peace, and within peace we are able to remember still. - Timothy Ralston

There are few things in life we can't make happen Part 2

Lesson 2: Learn what not to say, and how to say what you shouldn't.

If only I had known then, what I had now learned. I could potentially have had a long miserable carreer that I hated. Wait... was that right? Even though I didn't have a job, I was considerably better off than I was, I was no longer worried about ending up with my parents feeding cats when I turned 30. That just wasn't going to happen to the New Me. Within a week, and a few more adjustments to my resume, I had 3 job offers at other retail stores. 1 that paid well, with horrible hours. 1 that paid terribly, with amazing hours. and one that didn't pay so poorly, with constantly fluctuating hours. I chose option 3... it was middle of the road, and I was no longer so driven by the amount of money I was earning, because I knew that there would always be more at some point, and if I played my new poker hand correctly this time, then I had very little to worry about. I was now employed at a retail clothing store 40 miles away from where I lived, servicing rich 13-17 year old who thought because their family had more money than I did, I was a lowly servant.

As you can imagine, that didn't really work so well for me, I was now old enough to drink, and I would be damned if I allowed a 16 year old kid tell me how much better he was than I. Two complaints later, I was facing my first write up, for being rude to customers. (Which I thought was the most ironic thing I had ever heard....) So I fell back on what I knew best, hiding barbs within my words. A skill that I had honed over 16 years of living with my parents. The key to my success was the overpowering ego that these children had developed due to an overactive pocketbook.  I got my first chance to try this out the following day after the write-up.

A young guy roughly 16 years old came into the store with his 'posse', a cadre of teen girls dogging his heels and giggling like they were fresh out of the dental chair and filled with nitrous-oxide. You could tell he was a cocky mofo, by his swagger, and the dirty looks he kept sending my way. I decided that this was where I was taking my stand, walking up to the group, I winked at the prettiest girl in his group and introduced myself. Told them that if there was 'anything' I could do to help them. Just to let me know. Within 10 minutes he had made his way back to the fitting room, and I made my way to his group of friends. We chatted and carried on, I flirted a little bit, and went back to my station at the counter. Started repacking the boxes, and the bags under the counter. When I stood up I realized I was surrounded by all of those cackling (Obnoxious) girls. Asking me questions, and throwing their hair around. Result! The boy came out of the back and saw all of the girls hanging onto the counter, and his face just dropped. In a period of 10 minutes I had stolen from him what his money had given him. His popularity.As he slowly made his way up to the counter, clearly defeated. I smiled and checked him out. Said goodbye to my new fan base, and watched them all walk out, this time with the cocky 16 year old at the back, having to listen to the girls talk about the 'cute' sales guy at the counter, and how nice he was.

These are my favorite lessons to learn, the ones where you get to teach someone else something too. People are fickle, especially young people. Every shiny thing will tickle their fancies, and the key to remaining popular is to always be more glittering than before. The next time I saw the kid, I offered him a job at the store, and he ended up being one of my best employees.
I didn't stay at this position for ever, I worked there managing the store for a couple more years learning more about management, and how to deal with a class of people who would always look down on me due to my working class background. I continually developed what I refer to as my undertalk skills. Being able to say what I really think by saying what other people want to hear. (This is exceptionally important for anyone who wants to succeed in life without going crazy. You can actually fit in with any crowd, without having to sacrifice any of your personal morals or values.)

- Knowing who you are is an important thing, people will always tell you that you need to change this, or you need to grow that. The reallity is, that you are the only one who will always be there for you. Be happy with yourself, and let others adjust to who you are. When you try to be something your not, it will always show through. Become who you want to be, but never forget who you were. - Timothy Ralston

There are few things we dream of we can't make happen.

10 years ago, my life was much different. My perspective was limited, and I had no real direction or goals. Then one day, thanks to a single conversation with my brother... Something clicked, and my life would never be the same. It was at that moment, I realized that there were no limitations to what a person could accomplish. That by thinking outside the box, you could truly achieve anything. (Sounds kind of corny right? I assure you it is, but it is also completly true.) Mind you that the next 10 years of my life, was incredibly stressful, filled with hard work, and many, many failures. However, I was able to not only change my life for the better, I managed to find a form of peace that I never knew existed. The trick I found, I am about to share with you.

Lesson 1: Learn to manipulate your surroundings.

We have all had those dead end jobs, that you force yourself to go into everyday because they help you pay your bills. Paying your bills, allows you to survive. Unfortunately at this point in our lives, that is pretty much all it will allow you to do, and take it from me, surviving is not living.

I for instance, had just started my first trip into the world  of retail. At the time, my resume was limited... if that is even what you would call it. I had barely ever held a job for longer than 3 months at a time. For some reason, at the 3 month mark, I couldn't force myself to go into work anymore. I would call in sick a couple of times a month, not to do anything fun. Just because I hated being there. Then I found my calling, and no. Retail was not what I was put here to do. It did however allow me to broaden my horizon, After "adjusting" my resume and by that I mean lying through my teeth. I got hired on at a upscale women's clothing store in the mall. Of course, since I had faked the majority of my resume, I had a lot to live up to. It was only a part-time job, with the promise of a management position down the road. Which was good, because the pay was CRAP! I was however getting worried, because I had built myself up so much, that I knew I was going to fail. I couldn't do half the crap I had said I could. (They call it padding your resume... well, mine was a feather pillow.)

The strange thing was, it was easy... This fake person that I had essentially built, was myself. I litterally became the best at everything I did. Not because I was trying so hard to do it well, which I was. I was living up to standards that I had unintentionally set too high, and so that people wouldn't think of me as a fake (Which I was.)  I tried even harder. This is when I found that I was able to change myself, with the blink of an eye. I could become anyone, do anything, and all I had to do was decide who/what that was. So I worked my way into the management positon, got a full time salary, (Which still sucked.) and twice as much responsibility. I hated every moment of it. But I learned a lot.

Working in a field that is primarily dominated by the yin side of the yang. I had to learn to adjust, women have a tendancy to be kind of catty. (No offense... it's just true.) Luckily as a homosexual, they warmed up to me quickly. (I've always wondered why that is exactly, but that is a topic for another post.) When everyone decides they want to be your best friend, it can cause a lot of additional drama. I found myself constantly being pulled back and forth like a game of tug o' war, unfortunately I was the rope, and it wasn't fun. I was struggling enough balancing the New Me without the fear of people talking crap behind my back because I was being friendly with this person, or that person. After a year of this, I had finally had enough. It had taken me 9 months to get my promotion, I had worked as the Assistant manager for 8 months, and started experiencing that dread at the idea of even setting foot in the mall. So I did what any self respecting individual would do. I went up to my boss, told her that I was offered a position with a higher rate of pay and was going to pursue it. (I know... another lie.) I turned in my two weeks notice, and started searching for another dead end job. I figured maybe I could flip burgers for a while, at least then I didn't have to worry about understanding the conversation flying around me. (The fast food joint I was considering was primarily staffed by the hispanic population where I was living.)

2 days before my notice was up, I still hadn't found another job, and was starting to hit the panic phase... "Oh GOD.... How could I be so stupid... I'm going to have to go live with my parents again. And if that isn't bad enough, I will probably end up spending my 30th birthday at home with them playing Yahtzee, and cleaning up after 4 cats..." (Being only 19 at the time, I was thinking of my future in pretty bleak terms.) 1 day to go before my life was over, I walked into work with my boss glaring at me.  So of course the first thing that pops into my mind is, I'm in trouble, I must have done something wrong. She walked over to meet me at the front of the store, and in a gruff voice asked me to follow her into the back. She needed to talk to me about something serious... (As I followed her into the back room, I could hear the Funeral March playing in my head.) She takes me all the way back to her office, and sits down at her desk with her fingers steepled in front of her mouth. (Never a good sign... I had secretly hoped she was leading me to a SURPRISE going away party. Damn!) "Have a seat," she motioned to the folding chair in front of her. Nervously I sat down, and crossed my leg. "What's going on?" I asked.  "Well Tim, I wanted to talk to you about something. You turned in your notice two weeks ago today, your supposed to start your new job next week, but I have to know... What can I do to keep you on here?" (BLOOOAAACCHHHHBMMM! My head exploded... Not literally.) When had that happened? When was it lowly ole me with the power? "I suppose we should talk," I said. "First, about my salary. If you want me to stay that is the first thing we need to change."  She cleared her throat, and slid a piece of paper in front of me. (It was like being in one of those movies where you are secretly trying to find out how much it costs to sell a child on the black market.) "This is what we are prepared to offer you."  I looked down at the slip of paper, and instantly needed a change of underwear. $40,000.00 a year, and my own store. How had this happened.... I had been lying about all those things I said I could do right? Isn't that what I had been so stressed out over for the last year? (*Ring Ring, Ring Ring.... "Hello? Father, has it finally frozen over?"*) "Well, that's a start," I said trying to sound cool and collected. Like I had done this 100 times before. "What else is it that you are wanting?" She sounded kind of scared. That's when I realized I had her by her non existent lady balls. And I pulled for all I was worth. "3 weeks of paid vacation, I won't work on Saturdays or Sundays, and I need the day after Thanksgiving off every year." Short version of the rest of the story, I walked out of her office with my head held high, a new outlook on life, and went to the nearest newspaper stand I could find, and started to peruse the classifieds. I had asked for to much, and at that point, my head had swelled so big that I couldn't back down. I was no longer employed at the mall, and I think my boss was pissed off enough at me that I would never be able to go back to that organization. I had learned my lesson though, I now knew how to manipulate my surroundings so that I could make myself not only more desireable to future employers, but also I figured out how to turn the power around, so that I was holding my own poker hand instead of playing go fish. Lesson learned. Ask for enough, but never too much. To much of a good thing, becomes more of a bad thing than you can handle.

-This is one of the most important things I have learned in my carreer, and in my life. Learn to play the cards you have, in such a way that others always think you have that 5th Ace up your sleeve. - Timothy Ralston

Logical Beauty...

What's Beautiful you ask? Life... Life is beautiful. Nature, has shown us time and time again that it is an architectual genius.  We are the students, and I fear nothing we create, will ever be as beautiful as it's organic counterpart. Hrm, that poses an interesting question, and you'll find it's often one of my favorites.

Have you ever taken the time to look at a clover? Next time your at the park, lay down in the grass, and look closely at a patch of clovers.

Nearly perfect heartshaped pettals. Each one unique to it's individual stem. Every single one is an amazing work of art. It's flaws are as characterizing as it is mesmerizing.

What we seem to have lost in our own personal works of art, is that spark of life. The quirky little flaws that turn something or someone from ordinary to extraordinary.  A certain grace that is missing from a lot of todays art. I have seen few artists who are truely able to catch that spark of life. 

I suppose it’s like comparing early 20^th Century art with today’s modern art.

Vincent Van Gough - Country Road in Province by Night - May 1890(1890-05)

VS.

Image: Tom McNease Contemporary Art. http://www.tommcnease.net/index.html

Both paintings are unbelievably beautiful in their own right, but they aren't either one in the same class of art. Van Gough will always be a classic, something that will be passed down through the ages. Contemporary Art on the otherhand is trendy, and even when the artist catches that spark of life as seen above. It will fade, as fashion does. Maybe it's our short attention spans... Did you see that episode of Facts of Life where Blair goes out with wet hair... it was so funny. Wait what was I saying?

-A desire to be unique will usually end in being just like everyone else around you... From one conforming nonconformist to another. Rather than trying to be unique, be inspired. - Timothy Ralston.

Organic Time Travel...

I'm sitting here pondering Time Travel, cause I'm that guy.... I had this amazing thought, what if life has already found the key to time travel? It makes sense when you think about it. Genetics + Evolution = Pieces of ourselves passing along this ridiculously long path to near immortality. It even plays into our very thought processes. For gosh sakes, look at the speed in which we and all life on earth procreate.

We are driven to keep up with time, as if time is not only an added dimension, but an almost living thing that moves with us and allows us to exist. (I'm usually the first to claim that time is a human creation, and therefore only exists because people want another reason to berate me at work...) This changes the way I think about time travel however. If I am actually moving through time, then does that mean there isn't a me from before? Or an anyone? People who know me will tell you, I don't like being alone. Chock it up to a series of bad dreams when I was a child, but that doesn't work for me. So maybe it isn't impossible to travel through time, but what would be the point? This was random, and I apologize... (Or not... maybe it was just beautiful... Yeah... We'll go with that.)
-Thinking during a relaxing day at home can be a form of art if you do it correctly. If you do it incorrectly, then you could be causing harm to those around you. Think before you act, and make sure your answers belong to the appropriate question. - Timothy Ralston

Chaotic Beauty

What if everything you believed turned out to be a myth? I mean truly shaken to the core. In life we face obstacles, but we always have a fall back on any numerous thing. God, our families, our friends, some of us turn to food, others turn to drugs, but we all believe in something.

What could be so terrible to destroy our very belief system? Complete and total devastation? Our very grip on reality shifting to the left 6 inches? No. Something so simple as a stranger saying hello can cause an epiphany, a full explosion, only fully vibrant in color. Disbelief and wonder, leading to forms of satisfaction and enrage. A simple word so lonely, without a fears embrace.   The things we think we thought we knew are thrown right in our face. Disaster strikes a heart’s renown, as our communications break down. Our eyes alight and children frown as we circle up and down. Over and over the people flee, from one vista to the sea. Tomorrow shouts to destiny, “Stop running and turn to me.” Everywhere a sparrow flew, showed a people proud and true. This is the end there is no more, but up till now there was a store. So let me start where stories end. Do you happen to remember where last we left off? It was a time of fear and freedom won. Where a knight had just begun, to chase his sorrows all around, with the loss of his princess crown. She had fallen, to grace of a remorseful kind. His name was Stink and he reeked of wine. “History flows as time moves on.” We forget then again about Stan Shin Sabim, who showed us through a victory fresh won, that mystery unfolds and nothing gets done. The body lay down near his feet, where his heart had kept it’s beat. Now sure as the wind hits the moon with its sand, it was Stan. Poor old Stan. The sky would never look the same, the breeze from the beach had kept it’s fame. And the heat is on. And then there was this time at Disneyland...

 – The beauty of life is how random it is. You never know exactly what is going to happen. You could walk out your front door right now and BAM! Hit by a car. Or you could step out, the sun shining, birds chirping at your ear. You look down, and “Oh, hey. Is that a winning lotto ticket?” Sure, it sounds outrageous, but everyday is filled with amazing, and secret things. Look for the answer, and ensure you are not just questioning. – Timothy Ralston 

It's time we stopped to smell the coffee.

It's time we stopped to smell the coffee, cause the caffeine is running out.
The very life of the earth boiling up, being consumed in that form of oil.
Also known as light, energy, our main source of fuel.
Transportation linked to the earths blood, being burned to pollute the very air we breathe; destruction of the ozone shortly followed by contamination of the environmental cause.
Mother Nature drowning in chemicals and toxicities being pumped into the air and the seas.
Altering the planets temperature gauge, messing with the currents that enable life to exist.
With unemployment on the rise, families living three to a room struggling to survive.
Who's left to care about the falling sky?
The sky, the sky is falling, collapsing in upon itself.
Asteroids burning through the atmosphere, marked by plumes of smoke billowing from towers of nuclear waste.
Is this the world our children inherit?
Our legacy: disease, destruction, and true dedication to the moral right.
But what about the moral left?
We have freedom of religion, how about the freedom to love?
That's in the states hands.
What happened to our lives?
Once our own, and now our countries, spirits disappearing for wars the people don't believe in.
Unable to care for ourselves, the excuse to care for others.
But can we truly care about another?
Mothers mourning children's lost to peace, the quiet overwhelming.
The pitter patter of little feet scrambling through the destructed rubble in the street.
The hope of a better future doused in napalm and burning rain.
But it doesn't have to be.
All we need is to stop and breathe, cause the rainbow is on the other side.
I can feel it calling me, the voice muffled by the silenced.
By the people with the money, on the spending spree.
The hope lies in the hearts.
Waiting, just waiting to be freed.
How is this achieved?
By opening your mind to a plethora of possibility.
Your choice to live, the very breath you breathe.
Pain caused by ignorance, is pain caused.
Love given to the lonely, the scared, the ugly, that's the key.
Suddenly, our eyes able to truly see, there is no difference between you and me.
We think our thoughts, we dream our dreams.
Hearts beating patterns languidly.
Open eyes, open ears, stop.
Just to hear, the cries of the sick, the poor, the elderly.
Facts a light, our purpose here, merely to live?
Or to seek peace by way of give.
Ask not what you can do for you, but what you can do for your people.
The country, mere borders in need of disrepair, lines drawn in the sand.
Wide eyed and opened hearted, now's the time to take a stand.
Be free to choose the paths you'll make, but don't place importance on the take.
That's the trail of the hollow, the cynical, the ones that know only how to follow.
If you choose to lead, do so by example.
For generosity, is a seed.
Once planted the flowers grow.
It's not to late to let hope flow.
And always remember, to stop and smell the coffee.
-Timothy Ralston 6/16/2008