The Middle Ground...

                My goal in life is no longer to be happy. I only want to be content. I don’t want to be happy, for wanting to be happy is as absurd as wanting to be unhappy. Neither goal is worthy of the effort. For when you are trying to be happy, and you don’t achieve it, you end up unhappy. If your dumb enough to want to be unhappy, then you may achieve it, but you won’t be happy about it.

What if everything in life is like a guitar string. When it’s still, life is content. Neither happy or unhappy. Neither mad nor sad. It just is. Happiness, and unhappiness are the series of vibrations that happen when the string (life) is no longer still. The ups and downs so to speak, sure, being happy is amazing, except when your happy you know it won’t stay like that forever. Eventually, you’re going to be unhappy again. (That’s life) Same can be said in reverse, being unhappy isn’t always so bad, because you know eventually you’re going to be happy again. This theory can be applied to every aspect of our lives. For instance, when we feel we are unhappy in a relationship, it’s the counter balance to when we were/are happy in our relationship. Same goes for our jobs, or school, or any numerous possibility. Things won’t continually stay one way or another. It’s impossible. However if we shoot for only being content, then we are at the happiest we can be, without being unhappy, that goal is achievable. Then we are able to just enjoy (or not) the small ups and downs that will continue to vibrate our string as we continue through life. Simply by being, we are in fact being simple.

And that ladies and gentleman… is where I want to be.

Chaotic Redemption...

2,000 miles separating my old life with a new. Two People, one Dog, take a 4 day road trip ac cross America... No that isn't the opening of a bad joke... or is it? Fear of the unknown draws me forward. Success or failure is in our hands, and the rules have been changed. The game we play now is called sink or swim, it's a shame I'm still learning to dog paddle.

Someone once said that to see America, one must drive it. To fly you see only clouds and birds, to walk you never get far. I've seen a lot of America, and to be completely honest, one must leave their nest to truly 'see' America. - Timothy Ralston

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, I was more that I am, yet less than I was. What was that you ask? Lost. Fighting blindly through a snowstorm. Walking in loops around my head, and then I met someone... I was no longer alone. There was an equal half of my being. No longer lost, but following footsteps in circles all the same. A soul-mate? It was once thought, but never conceived. A friend by name, and only occasionally by nature. Two kindred spirits stalking their prey by way of shared knowledge. This started a journey together, as it lasted for several years. As all things must, the end came round as a form of dis-association. What often happens when time moves on, people change and things stay the same. There is a jarring in the foundation, that even friendships have difficulty withstanding. The cracks appeared slowly over the course of many breakups, long discussions, and hair being held. Looking from an outside perspective, people would say that it was only a matter of time anyway. However the pain is still there. Every time a spiders web glistens in the dew, or the breeze blows a pattern in the shadow, the blade twists just a bit, not quite drawing blood, but still that gasp of discomfort. Silence has lasted now for many months, with barely a whisper of a word between the two far and wide. Forgiveness... will come, even where none is deserved. The fault of one blamed on the actions of many doesn't change the words that come between. A simple hello, or meaningless goodbye should never fracture a love, as naive as it is strong. Because to love someone unconditionally can never be wrong.

- Do not be afraid of laying your heart on the table. Anytime something so delicate is exposed to the elements, it stands that it could be damaged. This is not something to fear, in fact, this is something to be embraced. Wounds heal, the sun is going to rise again tomorrow, and the day after that. Your pride may get hurt, your heart broken, but that pain and suffering give light to the entire world of happiness. You cannot experience happiness without sadness and fear. They work together in a dance of duality, and in some right are merely the mirrors reflection of the same. Love all. Love unconditionally. Love eternally. - Love Me....

Stop...

"Stop, just stop talking for a day," the rabbit said to the voices in her head. "The hand that feeds the mask is all awash in clay."

"Clay, clay you say," the voices replied, "How can one wash in clay?"

"The important part you see, is that it washes at all," said the rabbit, "You cannot be clean without being washed."

"But washing in clay would just make you dirtier, your logic isn't without flaw. And why feed a mask I ask?" The voice queried.

The rabbit hopping along her own way did say, "For it was hungry, do you not get hungry?"

"I do indeed," said the voice, "Now find me some mice brains."

-Zombie Rabbit- (Shudder)

Once, just once...

I want to stop caring about how others view me. If only for a minute, I want the world to care about how I see it. I feel that nature sometimes does, everytime the sun set's over the moutains, or the moon blooms full, that's the moment it is trying to be beautiful for only me. I am the one who see's it, I am the one breathing in the oxygen shrouded in hope. Me. A selfish man with selfish dreams, tearing along a path no one could possibly survive. If I fail, then it's me failing, if I win, then I own myself. Owning yourself is a power few can relate too. It's freeing, but still I care. The world owns me, but not for long. This is my stand, this is the now, the forever, and the only thing that matters. I am me whether you like it or not, a semi painted pallette of colors, waiting to be filled in. Knowledge, strength, wisdom, these are the things that fill my mural.

-"The strong take for granted that which beauty compares." Timothy Ralston

When the still...

The moment before dawn, there is silence in the city.
As the snow blows, and all movement stops.
Where crickets chirp, and coyotes howl, echo's fill the void.

This is the still.

When peace surrounds you, and fear lies flat at your feet.
A whisper of longing, causes your heart to flutter.
With the scent of a newborn flower, a smile breaks your face.

This is the still.

-As we go through life, we are constantly bombarded with chaos. Find your still where ever, and when ever you can. Remember that the still is peace, and within peace we are able to remember still. - Timothy Ralston

There are few things in life we can't make happen Part 2

Lesson 2: Learn what not to say, and how to say what you shouldn't.

If only I had known then, what I had now learned. I could potentially have had a long miserable carreer that I hated. Wait... was that right? Even though I didn't have a job, I was considerably better off than I was, I was no longer worried about ending up with my parents feeding cats when I turned 30. That just wasn't going to happen to the New Me. Within a week, and a few more adjustments to my resume, I had 3 job offers at other retail stores. 1 that paid well, with horrible hours. 1 that paid terribly, with amazing hours. and one that didn't pay so poorly, with constantly fluctuating hours. I chose option 3... it was middle of the road, and I was no longer so driven by the amount of money I was earning, because I knew that there would always be more at some point, and if I played my new poker hand correctly this time, then I had very little to worry about. I was now employed at a retail clothing store 40 miles away from where I lived, servicing rich 13-17 year old who thought because their family had more money than I did, I was a lowly servant.

As you can imagine, that didn't really work so well for me, I was now old enough to drink, and I would be damned if I allowed a 16 year old kid tell me how much better he was than I. Two complaints later, I was facing my first write up, for being rude to customers. (Which I thought was the most ironic thing I had ever heard....) So I fell back on what I knew best, hiding barbs within my words. A skill that I had honed over 16 years of living with my parents. The key to my success was the overpowering ego that these children had developed due to an overactive pocketbook.  I got my first chance to try this out the following day after the write-up.

A young guy roughly 16 years old came into the store with his 'posse', a cadre of teen girls dogging his heels and giggling like they were fresh out of the dental chair and filled with nitrous-oxide. You could tell he was a cocky mofo, by his swagger, and the dirty looks he kept sending my way. I decided that this was where I was taking my stand, walking up to the group, I winked at the prettiest girl in his group and introduced myself. Told them that if there was 'anything' I could do to help them. Just to let me know. Within 10 minutes he had made his way back to the fitting room, and I made my way to his group of friends. We chatted and carried on, I flirted a little bit, and went back to my station at the counter. Started repacking the boxes, and the bags under the counter. When I stood up I realized I was surrounded by all of those cackling (Obnoxious) girls. Asking me questions, and throwing their hair around. Result! The boy came out of the back and saw all of the girls hanging onto the counter, and his face just dropped. In a period of 10 minutes I had stolen from him what his money had given him. His popularity.As he slowly made his way up to the counter, clearly defeated. I smiled and checked him out. Said goodbye to my new fan base, and watched them all walk out, this time with the cocky 16 year old at the back, having to listen to the girls talk about the 'cute' sales guy at the counter, and how nice he was.

These are my favorite lessons to learn, the ones where you get to teach someone else something too. People are fickle, especially young people. Every shiny thing will tickle their fancies, and the key to remaining popular is to always be more glittering than before. The next time I saw the kid, I offered him a job at the store, and he ended up being one of my best employees.
I didn't stay at this position for ever, I worked there managing the store for a couple more years learning more about management, and how to deal with a class of people who would always look down on me due to my working class background. I continually developed what I refer to as my undertalk skills. Being able to say what I really think by saying what other people want to hear. (This is exceptionally important for anyone who wants to succeed in life without going crazy. You can actually fit in with any crowd, without having to sacrifice any of your personal morals or values.)

- Knowing who you are is an important thing, people will always tell you that you need to change this, or you need to grow that. The reallity is, that you are the only one who will always be there for you. Be happy with yourself, and let others adjust to who you are. When you try to be something your not, it will always show through. Become who you want to be, but never forget who you were. - Timothy Ralston