Who am I....

Who am I? When I am by myself, when I'm not at work, when no one is holding me accountable, when I take into account all of my experiences, when I am awake, when I am asleep, when I know, when I don't know? Who am I?

I am stripped of my dignity, and lost in an ocean of ignorance. I float along the jet stream questioning every choice I have ever made that lead me to this point. Who am I?

I open my eyes every morning, I get up and I shower always asking myself what is next. Who am I?

Following in the footsteps of others, afraid to find my own path. Striking out where no other has set foot, feeling as if I am being chased by my past. Who am I?

Sitting in the floor of my closet in the dark, crying as if I have lost everything, everyone I have ever known or cared about. Who am I?

Gripping the bar tightly as the cart breaches the top of the roller coaster we call life, about to plummet into the unknown. This is where I find myself, Who am I? I don't know... I have no answer to that, but because I seek the truth, there is still hope. Because I desire this answer above all others I have ever asked, there is still hope.

At the bottom, there lies nothing. At the top, there is only fear. Fear of loss, fear of destruction, fear of everything. Agoraphobic and standing outside in the rain.

I see peace through solitude, no one asking, no one shouting. Except my inner thoughts trying to grasp clues that I have left behind during my existence. Putting the puzzle back together. Reading between the lines, looking for the small print that will answer the question that drives me mad. Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? The question beating a chorus in my heart. This has replaced the driving force in my life. It's no longer trying to define why I am here, it's more than that now. This goes even deeper. How can anyone have a purpose if they don't know who they are. Am I good? Am I evil? Am I brave or meek? Intelligent with a hint of naivety? Still no answers coming to me. Maybe I am hollow? Or full to the lip?

Is it not that simple? Maybe I am all these things, maybe I am nothing. Maybe not knowing isn't so bad. Maybe that is the point. Not knowing means I can be anything. Not knowing means that no matter where I am, I am me...

Now there's a thought. Where am I?

Perfect moments....

The perfect moment... it's filled with peace. It happens accidentally, randomly, without you ever realizing it's coming. I have had many perfect moments throughout my life. A flash of an instant where everything seems... amazing. The light flowing, the sounds blowing, and the words... perfect.

Most of the time, we barely notice what is going on around us. There is so much noise, and hoopla happening all of the time, that we have become somewhat neutral to the natural and un-natural existence that is everywhere. Let me set the scene for you...

 Walking through Vegas with a close friend of mine, drunk and mildly burned out by all the noise and flashing lights of the city. We stumble upon a spot, that is silent. There is no sound except our breathing, there is no lights except the constantly changing lines of a nearby building. For a moment, it is perfect.

Rolling over in the middle of the night, waking up your partner for some passionate love making. No noise, no words spoken, just an intimate exchange of emotion through physical touching.

Lying on your bed, the evening light streams through the window. The cool air outside blowing gently on the breeze.

Hiking through the forest, and coming across a babbling brook you had never seen. Surrounded by aspen trees, and green grass. The sounds of the birds chirping, and the water lapping on the rocks surround you.

These are just a few random occurrences of a perfect moment. They happen all the time, but we don't pay attention to them. It is when we feel most at rest, and are not constantly thinking about what is coming, what is happening during our day to day lives. It is a piece of nirvana hidden in a land of regret. I always like to hear about other peoples perfect moments. Maybe it's the birth of your child, maybe it was the sound of the rushing wind as you rocket toward the ground waiting for your chute to open. They come in many forms, all of them just as important as the next. These are the moments that make our lives important, that make them worth living. Everyone has them, sometimes, we just have to refocus to enjoy them, to notice that they are happening.

I encourage you to share your perfect moments in the comments section below. Tell us what they smelled like, what they tasted like, how they changed you, how you can't wait for the next one. Whatever it is, allowing other people to feel what it was that you felt. I know that I for one am always on the lookout for the next. Perfect moment...

Meaningful life...

I always thought that living a meaningful life meant spending it helping others around you. That the only way to successfully live a life of meaning, was to bring meaning to other peoples lives. I now believe that I had the definition wrong. Living a meaningful life is living a life without fear, to live everyday being open to all of the different possibilities that life presents.

I want to pose a question to anyone who might read this column. This is something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently.

How would your life be different if you knew how you were going to die?

This all started because I watched Tim Burton's Big Fish. It really got me thinking. How different would we be, if we knew when and how we were going to go? For some it might be constant stress, finding out you were going to go sooner rather than later. For others, it would be freeing. Even if it were going to be soon, it would change how you lived for even that short period of time.

So here is the kicker, if I knew how I was going to go, I would then know that I could survive anything outside of that. So I would be able to live free, without fear of anything. I could literally do anything knowing that I would survive. I would live everyday without fear, because fear stems from being afraid of death.... How it could happen, how it's going to happen, what will happen after? We struggle with this every single day. But if you knew... then you could do anything, you would be more open to trying new things, no limitations whatsoever.

This thought process has changed how I think now, how I am going to act from here on out. Because whether we know how it's going to happen or not, it's going to happen. It's the one truth, we are all going to die.

So why are we living in fear of death. Whether we die from old age, or fall out of a burning building, the outcome is the same. Death is both permanent and unavoidable, so from here on out, I will be living life without fear of it happening. I will fill every moment of my day with as many experiences as I can. Let us live free from fear, let us exist without worry. You will survive, or you won't. Either way, all you can do is live. If you are lucky enough to be fearless, then you are one of the few that will live truly happy. Maybe that is why, people like to believe that everything happens for a reason. That they have no control over their lives because then they aren't responsible for the outcome.

I on the other hand prefer not to give up my freedom of choice. Not everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean we have complete control over how it turns out. All we can do is choose each day to live well, experience much, and help those we can live the same way. From here on out, I will be that person. No matter what happens, I plan on living a meaningful life.... a life without fear.

AWESOME....ness?

So I keep getting asked what it is that does it for people. They keep saying things like, "You're not that attractive. Your're not that smart, and you're not that unique... why are you so AWESOME!?" (All caps... that's an important fact.) Well kind readers... I am about to share with you why I am so AWESOME! (See... all caps again. I don't even have to hold shift. If I just type the word AWESOME!, Windows seems to know I must be talking about myself and capitalizes it for me.)

As mentioned, I'm not that attractive. I may push a 9 on the 1-10 scale. 

Really? Your a 9? I'd give you a 7 at most.

A 7 is still two points above average... I'll take it, and you can suffer the scoff of my admirers. I'm sure there are some out there. Either way, I am no Tanning Chatum... or whatever. The reason why this makes me AWESOME! is that I don't take my looks for granted. I was an awkward kid... It's true. 

This is the reason you should all be nice to the nerdy kid.... One day... he will  climb into a cocoon, and turn into a prince... or something like that. 

After going from a 6 to a 9... again whatever... I know the power that good looks have over the general population. Lucky for you all, I have chosen to use my looks for the good of all people, by hiding it behind this blog. With that being said, I didn't let my smile drive who I have become. I didn't even let the hurtful names I was called change my bright outlook on life. I knew when people called me, Bucktooth... they were referring to the fact I had a money making smile. 

Bucktooth? That's so kind...

Yeah... they were talking about your "Money making Smile" right.... 

  Thank you for noticing, and not mentioning the fact that I look like a girl in this picture. That's sweet.

Still, even with my universal good looks... this has nothing to do with why I'm AWESOME! It's true...

Well... then, please share... Why are you so AWESOME!? (Wait... I know I didn't hold shift... is my caps lock on? Nope... Weird.)

I'm getting there... Hold your horses. (Where the hell did that phrase come from? Never mind... that's for another post.) I digress. As I was saying... I'm not that smart. I barely outsmarted Voldemort in the Chamber of Secrets, I almost didn't survive against all of the Dementors by the lake, and god knows I just barely outsmarted him the other 4 times. (Wait... was that me?) Who cares... that's not why I'm AWESOME! either...

Pretty sure that was Harry Potter, douche...

  That's right... I just skipped 4th and 5th grade,  went from 7th to 9th  and managed to graduate at 16. As I said before... That's got nothing to do with why I'm AWESOME!

Then please... get on with it. I'm getting bored!

  That sucks for you... I think this is something people want to know. Hence why I'm writing this in the first place... It has nothing to do with being *drunk or anything.... (Clears throat) As I was saying... I'm not that unique. In fact, I am just like everyone else. Sure, I might be better looking than some, and smarter than others, but I'm just trying to get by. Just like everyone else. I know, I know, I managed to define the Meaning of Life... but does that make me special? Does that make me any different than anyone else? No! Not in the slightest. 

(Silence...)

  See, now that's better. Here is the part you have all been waiting for. I'm AWESOME! because of the people I know and love. My family, my friends, and my friends friends. I have learned more than I can say from these people. I have learned not only who I am, but what not to do from these same individuals. I am AWESOME! because they are AWESOME! (Wait... Stupid Windows, I was talking about other people that time... lowercase when that happens... SHEESH!) They have influenced me in more ways than I can say. They are my support system when I'm feeling down, they are my sounding board when I'm feeling creative. They are the core of who I am... you know... outside of the stuff I mentioned above. Everything I am, I owe a small part to those who surround me. So if you think I am vain, if you think I am pompous, if you think at all. Blame them! 

*I am drunk for the record... this started off as a column on World Peace. So much for the Pulitzer... 

Fine... I'll meet you in the middle... 8

The Meaning of life...

Everyone is looking for meaning in their life. We all want to believe that we are part of something, something big. That life isn't just wallowing in debt, fighting to survive, praying that tomorrow isn't going to be as bad as yesterday or today. We all want to be special, and if you believe your 1st grade teacher, then you are. Maybe not get your own Olympics special, but there is something about you that is bigger, badder, and better than anyone else in the world. You just have to figure out what it is. (Lying bitch...)

The reality generally falls incredibly short of this, you are after all just like everyone else. A carbon copy of your parents, or grand parents, your boss, or their boss, etc, etc, etc... The list is ever growing of people who have the exact same skills, the exact same abilities, and even the same combination of charisma, vitality, and mana... (Sorry... slipped into my pocket protector personality from high school for a minute.) But what about all of those commercials from the 80's and every television show ever saying to be an individual? How is everyone striving to be an individual a unique existence? Especially when those same commercials and television shows are promoting fashion trends, brand names, and a hive mentality. You aren't different because you are trying to fit in with everyone else. You're not different because of what you do for a living. I don't care if you work at Mc Donalds, or are the President of the United States. If you pay attention, you both eat, you both sleep, and you both pee in the pool at Water World. The only difference is the pay check, and who your boss is... (And you know, the general roles and responsibilities the position requires...) Outside of that, you are both human beings, striving to find meaning within your life.

Well... That's depressing. So what your telling me is that life doesn't have any meaning?

No, quite the opposite in fact. I am merely explaining why what you are doing isn't working. Stop striving to be different, and just accept who you are. That's step one.

So, then if I am just being myself. Then where do I look for meaning?

That's the key isn't it? This is where many of us struggle. Where do I go to find meaning in life. I can tell you right off the bat, that you won't find it in any self help book at Barnes and Nobles. I can tell you, that your not going to stumble upon it in your next promotion at work. It's not under your couch cushions with all that loose change, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be relayed to you at the end of the Xbox game your so close to beating. I think the reason we all struggle so much with where to look, is because none of us are really looking to begin with. Or if we are looking, we do so as one might peruse the back cover of a book to see if it's something you would be interested reading.

It's important to ask yourself 3 questions when starting your journey to find inner peace and meaning within your life.

What will make me happy?

***
I want to be a writer!
 So be a writer! 

But I haven't gone to school to learn to be a writer.
  I agree you need to learn grammar, and basic spelling to be a great writer. But story is found within, that spark of wisdom that will become art on your page is not learned in school. It bubbles up from your very being, and is the fuel that burns to energize your creative palette. 

But all the jobs I have looked for require a degree in English, or Creative Writing.
  Do you want to be a writer, or do you want to get paid to write? These are two incredibly different things, but neither are mutually exclusive. I also want to be a writer, that is where I find meaning within my own life. I don't get paid to do it. (Not yet at least.) But I love doing it. So I therefore am a writer. 

Yes... I want to get paid for it.
  So is writing going to bring meaning to your life, or is money? 

***
As you can see, finding the understanding within yourself as to what it is that will make you really happy is an important step. Be honest, and don't be surprised when what you think you want still doesn't make you happy. Yes, you are making more money than you can ever spend, but you are also working 100 hours a week, and aren't able to enjoy anything because when your not glued to your cubicle, your asleep. Are you happy? Very few people are able to take what makes them happy, and make it lucrative. Yes, it can happen, and with enough creativity and hard work, I am sure you can as well. But be sure that even if it isn't bringing you gobs of money, you are doing and practicing what it is you love to do. That will start your search for meaning off on the right foot.

Why isn't this working?

***
I am doing what I enjoy doing, and I'm still not happy. Didn't you tell me this would work?
 Pretty sure what I told you was not to be surprised when you do what you 'think' you want to be doing, and it doesn't make you happy. This isn't a game of clear rewards. 

Fine... Then what next O'great leader?
  Stop being sarcastic, I'm trying to help. Do something different. Something you never thought you would try. Jump out of an airplane, dive into an ocean and explore a coral reef. Learn how to play the piano and join a band. This is where I think we fail most often, is by not exploring the possibilities that surround us. Just because you have never done it, and don't think you will enjoy it, doesn't mean it's not what will make you happy. 

***

One of the reasons we are so miserable, is that we get stuck in a rut so to speak. We do the same things day in and day out. They didn't make us happy yesterday, why in the world do we think that by continuing to do them, we'll be happier tomorrow? Break out of your shell and experience something new. It doesn't have to be costly, it just has to be different. Instead of going to the bar this Friday night, go camping for the weekend, take a hike, drag your friends to the lake, and just spend the weekend existing, no apologies, no excuses. Be you... Which is another important step on this journey. Find comfort within yourself. It will sound somewhat cynical, but in the end you are the only person you can rely on. Sure, you can call Mom & Dad when you need a loan, but what happens when they are gone? You need to talk to someone, so you call your best friend. What if they don't answer? Where do you go? You use what senses you have to figure that out. You rely on yourself.


What's next?

***
Alright, so then what?
  Your trying new things, you are attempting to find a better understanding of yourself, and your ancy to make it work faster. I understand. You're going to hate this...

Hate what?
  I can't tell you what is next. You may never find that meaning you so desperately seek. Life for you could continue to be a meaningless void... I can tell you one thing though... most people who seek peace will find it eventually. Here is the kicker.. I'm about to share with you the meaning of life your so desperately seeking. 

And why, couldn't you have just done that in the first place? Instead of making me read, and try things... Asshole!
   Hey, watch the language... you wouldn't have believed me before... The meaning of life is... searching for the meaning of life. 

***


There... that's it. Congratulations on making it this far. Your reward? A stronger understanding of what it is that makes you happy, and the frustrating realization that no book, no blog, and no simple answer will give it to you. It has been said that it's not the destination, but the journey that you'll remember. And so it is again. Also, you should take heart, as I mentioned before. I find meaning within writing, and because you just read this, you support the fact that my life has meaning.

Atheism...

(This is a slightly different kind of post than I would usually do... Recently, I seem to be drawn into religious debates every single day with one person or another. Here is a brief vent on the recent ones I have had. I will avoid posting anything on religion from here on out.)

I think their has been a misconception on the part of Christians...

I constantly see and hear about how you have to have a belief in god to have morals, or values. Everytime there is a disaster people like Patrick Robinson try to blame Atheists, saying that we are responsible... that our lack of belief is causing these terrible things. That not allowing religion in school is the downfall of our education system.

I'd like to point a few things out here...
1) My morals, and my values didn't stem from Christian propaganda. They came from my family, my friends, and comic books... I was raised believing the golden rule. Do unto others as you wish to be done onto you. And I take that very seriously...
I come from a close knit family. When we were kids, everyone was always around, they treated each other with respect, and no one ever said a foul word about anyone else. We were taught to treat everyone with respect... (While that might not be the case now... that is how we were raised.)
And finally, one of the largest sources I had for entertainment growing up was these unbelievable heros... People like Batman, who stood up for what they believe in. Simply a human being fighting for what he knew was right. (He may have had a lot cooler toys than I do... but still an inspiration none the less.) Then you have Superman, he is not even from our planet, and he is doing everything he can to make it just. A happy place of existence. The X-men... even though society, the government, and religous groups hate them because they are "different" doesn't stop them from caring about each and every single person on the planet. These imaginary characters are more American than most of the people who live here.

2) Perhaps it is not our lack of belief that causes things to get out of hand, but the constant oppression we feel from every aspect of a non accepting society that causes so much stress on certain people that they finally break. I mean obviously they were a little... CRAZY in the first place, however, keep in mind this is speculation. But what if rather than constantly telling people how much you hate them for the things they can't control, you try and... I don't know, do as the bible tells you to and love them instead? And by love them, I mean honestly love them, which means accepting their differences, accepting even those things you don't like about them. Treating them... (And this is the important part...) as EQUALS. Spending less time trying to change who they are, and more time trying to build a society that cares more about the person, than the act.  Maybe that would be enough to keep them from going bat shit nuts and shooting up theatres or moscs or going to war with a country for oil rights and blaming it on terrorism...

3) This one is something that has bugged the hell out of me for a while now. The reason why religion was removed from school, is not to piss off the Christian population, but because it is not fair to teach only one religion in schools. For it to honestly be fair, then you would have to teach about ALL religions in school. That would mean everything from Mormonism to Catholocism, from Hinduism to Wicca, Buddhism to Islam... As most people in our country would probably be a little freaked out, (Mistakenly so...) about their child learning that some people have faith in witchcraft, and that it is an actual religion just like Christianity... There really is only one simple explanation. To remove all religion from school grounds. Teach it at home, or don't be a bigot. It makes sense, but the country seems to be convinced that it's all do to Atheism... a non belief in god. To be quite honest I can think of at least 1,000 more likely threats to people... Asteroid, snakes, Super volcanoes, catholic priests (Only if your an alter boy), bears, bees, bacteria... the list goes on, Atheism even falls after such religions as Catholicism, remember the crusades?

All I ever ask is to think before you speak, act, breath, blow your nose, shower... whatever you may do in your day to day life... think for yourself. Don't let others do it for you. Just because you see a post on Facebook, doesn't make it true. Not even this one... this is just my personal thoughts on the topic... Do research and form, wait for it... (This is another important part...) Your own opinions.