Fitting in...

I write this blog, not because I desire people read it. I write it because I spend so much of my time trying to figure out the things that don't make sense to me. To be honest, I don't understand many things right off the bat. Life is genuinely one of the most confusing things... ever. No one has it figured out, but we are all striving to do so. So that is why I write, because when I feel that I have a strong grasp on something, I share it. So that maybe you can read my words, and the same thing will make a little more sense to you. Or maybe you can take what I think, and add on to it to come up with your own ideas. If you choose to read what I write, I hope that you will continue to think on it. There are no easy answers, but perhaps together we will be able to make sense of some of the confusion.

Today I have been thinking about how things in life fit. This is a big thought process for me right now, because I am looking for a job. Recently I was laid off from my job, and while I was proud of what I did, no matter how well I faked it, I never really fit. Thinking about this, I realized I have never really fit in... not with jobs, not with the people I know, or with anything really. Society tells us that this is a bad thing, and from the time we are little we are conditioned that we have to fit a mold.

How many of you played with that puzzle toy as a toddler? The hollow little ball or cube that has all of the opening for different shapes. The point is to teach your child how pieces fit. The star goes in the star hole, the square in the square hole, etc. None of the other pieces will go into the wrong hole. It helps your spacial reasoning, but what does it do to your psychological thought processes? Is this when we start to realize that we are supposed to fit into the world like these little blocks?  That there is some perfect space we can fill in life, where we just fit? What about those of us who never find our shape? Are we destined to just lie around while everyone else ends up in the cube?

As I fill out applications, and write and rewrite my my resume and cover letters to make it sound like I am the perfect fit for every job I'm applying for, it just feels wrong... like I'm lying to myself, and lying to the places I'm applying. And what drives me crazy, is that is what people expect of you. They don't really care whether or not you are qualified, they want to know that you will change yourself to be what they are looking for. It's sad, it's disturbing, and worst of all, it's required.

Why is it such a terrible thing to not fit in? Why is it so bad to be a circle trying to fit into the square hole? It's what we are all trying to do, we shave off a little bit of our selves to fit into someone else's perfect shape. We lose a little bit of ourselves every time we have to become someone else. Sure, we might gain a little piece somewhere else, but what are we giving up in the process? After all, aren't the most successful people in the world the ones who stood up and said, "NO! This isn't happening, this is who I am, and it's time you dealt with it!" That is the Rosa Park's and Martin Luther King's of the world, the Steve Job's and Bill Gates' of life. They took what they knew, and the experiences they've had and made a stand. Those are the types of people who change the world, those are the people we look up to and desire on the most basic level to be like. Yet few of us ever do anything about it, we fall in line to survive and disappear into the weave, because it's scary to be an actual individual. To have no one behind you, and nothing beneath you. To spread your wings and fly without feathers so to speak. It's not that we aren't capable, it's that it's hard, it's confusing, and it's lonely. To be the only star in a sea of squares.

To this I say to the world, "I'm done being what you expect me to be. I may not fit into the shape you want, but the shape I am is pretty amazing. Yes I might be different than what you want or what you might expect. But sometimes when you try the unexpected, that's what you get, unexpected results, and that's okay. Sure, it's nerve wrecking not knowing what's coming, but that's life. On the other hand, knowing how everything is going to turn out is boring. There is no excitement, there is no happiness, there is only quiet acceptance that this is all there is. And that my friends is so far from the truth. We live in a world of colors, of different tastes, and most importantly adventure. Absolutely I'm different... and not only is that okay, it's perfect!"

Everyone always tells you to be an individual, but it's not individuality to fit in. With everyone trying to be original, we have lost the possibility of originality, but you can be yourself. By being yourself, and refusing to become something else only because it is expected, you can still be unique. If you aren't hurting other people, then there is no reason to be anyone different. If we are all who we are, instead of being who we say we are, then the world will change around us. We might not have as much control of those things as we like, but by becoming someone else, we are giving up what little control we have.

Be beautiful, be unique, be happy, be... you.

Forgiveness...

I think that sometimes... people just need to be forgiven. I think that is why so many people are drawn to religion. It gives them hope that for all the bad things they have done, and all the bad things they do, they might be forgiven. I can understand that on some level, it really makes sense. To want all the things you have messed up to go away. While I don't believe it comes from a celestial force, some other worldly power that can say, "It's okay. I know it's been tough, I know that you didn't mean it. I forgive you." I do believe however, that we have that force within ourselves. We can sit down, and tell ourselves that it's alright. We can tell others that we forgive them. Even if they have never done anything against us, even if we don't know of any bad things they have done. Sometimes... I think people just need to be forgiven. They just need to hear those 3 words... "It's okay... I know it's been tough... I know that you didn't mean it... I forgive you."

Gender Equality...

Alright, so anyone who knows me, will probably agree that I can be annoying sometimes. I have this desire to understand everything. Even if I don't have a strong grasp on a subject, I will learn as much as I can about it, ask questions, and discuss it until people have no interest in hearing from me ever again on the subject. Today's topic is Gender Equality, what it means, where it's at, and how to fix it.

According to Websters dictionary the definition of Equality means:
1. The state of being equal.

The state of being equal... that seems like a simple enough thing, two or more sides having the same amounts. But what does this mean when we look at it from a societal perspective. Typically this comes up in several different ways. Let's examine two of the most common, Men vs. Women, Hetero vs. GLBT.

I find it easiest to break things down when I understand the comparisons between two similar arguments. So let's compare Men vs. Women and Hetero vs. GLBT. I fall under the GLBT flag on this one, so I thought it would be easier for me to understand the prior once I could draw a line between the two. 

Women often feel that men disrespect them solely based on the fact they are women and thus somehow are inferior. Okay, that is something that I can definitely relate to. It's a pretty common thing for heterosexuals to assume that because I am gay, that I am less of a man. Thus don't deserve the same respect/rights that he or she has. This is not the case however, while yes, I am a man who likes men, I still think, I still feel, and still bleed when beaten. Not to mention that this discomfort almost always relates to sex, which is nobody's business but our own. There is no strong grounding for the inequality that exists here. So maybe there is some grounding of truth within that argument. With that being said, how do we fix this issue?

My belief is that to fix an issue, and understanding has to be had. After all, how can you understand that an issue exists if you have never been exposed to it. So I started involving myself in conversations, and asking questions to women surrounding this disrespect issue. What I find is that many of them talk about the problems they experience, but when I have pressed them, or tried to look at it from a different angle, I'm told that I can't understand because I don't have boobs. If you aren't able to explain the problem in such a way that someone who is looking for an understanding can comprehend, then how do you expect people who don't realize the issue exists in the first place to change. Then we come full circle to the women who use this inequality to their own accord.  They flaunt their sexuality to get a heads up on men, (because men think with the wrong head a lot of the time.) which I'm told gives women as a whole a bad name. So right there we have a separation within that argument on the same half, and it changes the equation. No longer are we fighting for equality 1-1, suddenly it is women vs. women vs. women vs. men. How are we ever going to find equality that way? (Especially because it get's more complicated when you throw in the men who are on the women's side. It then becomes: women vs. women vs. women vs. men vs. men vs. men, and you end up with a problem that requires the use of chaos mathematics to figure out.) It's just a mess. This holds true with pretty much any issue relating to equality. No one understands what the other is experiencing, and this causes friction because it is so clear to one side that the other has to be stupid to not grasp it. 

Where does that leave us? 

Absolutely divided. Not down the middle as previously thought, but split within our own genders. No wonder we are so far from world peace. We can't even get a long within our own groups. Now comparing history, we have definitely come a long ways in regard to the balance of power. Widows without child are no longer required to marry their brother in-laws to produce offspring, they can hold positions within government, they are able to vote, and work within every industry in society. So sure we have made some progress. Is it enough? Not yet, but I believe we are getting there thanks to many strong feminists. (One of which I can call my best friend. Depending on how she takes this post....) So what are we really fighting for at this point. From what I ascertain, it has become less of an equal rights issue, and more of an equal respect issue. While the two are similar, there are some major differences. Equal rights reflects those freedoms that were writ into the American Constitution. (There are still many issues in our country regarding equal rights, but I believe it is less of a gender issue now, and more of a sexual orientation issue.) What seems to be lacking is respect between the two genders. Men thinking they are better than women, or inclined to try and instill their needs over a woman's. 

A lot of this mentality finds it's roots in the very thing many people are afraid to remove themselves from. Religion, in fact if you read the bible, it's pretty harsh towards the female half, and with these beliefs being passed down from generation to generation, it has become bred into our societal views. But it's quite possible that it goes back even further to our first ancestors, the Neanderthals. Testosterone gave man the edge in these times because it made him stronger, and faster, thus he was the hunter and gatherer in a time where we were the menu and not the chef. Women would stay and nurture the young and protect the home. So it's possible what we are trying to do is create equality, not find it. This once again changes the route one must take to find a solution. Things don't happen just because. First you find an issue that needs to be solved. (In this case Gender Respect) Then you set out to create the tool to build the solution. (Understanding.) The you mass produce the solution, and because we live in a capitalist world., You market the solution so that every person agrees that they need it, then sell it to make a pretty buck. (Wait... is that right? Yes... yes that's how it works here.) 

What's the solution?

It is common knowledge that an army will always be more powerful than the militia. (Just don't say that too loudly in Texas.) So we need to create an army, to do that we will need to increase the understanding within our own cultures. We need to simplify the equation, women vs. women has to stop before you can take on the bigger issue of women vs. men. Once you have bridged those boundaries, you can really start to fight the war. Currently it's individual battles happening with mixed results. Once you find unification, the war will win itself. Why? Because we have made huge steps towards the balance already. Hence why this has become a battle of respect as opposed to a battle of rights. (That isn't completely over yet, but we're getting close.) 

Once the half finds a common understanding, we have to find a way to communicate the problem to the other half. (I would say women snagging men on the street and forcing themselves on them might not be the worst idea. Give them a taste of their own medicine.) After all we preach do unto others what you would have done to yourself. I'm just throwing that out there... 

I really don't know what the final solution is. And as I wrote this post, I realized that it isn't black and white, there is no absolute right answer. The fact is we are all different, and thus will always come to different conclusions. Also, the disrespect issue happens on both ends of the spectrum. We need to unite against a common enemy to really find a credible solution. I'm voting rocks.. let's blast the hell out of those disrespectful bastards, the way they mock us all stone like. 

Who am I....

Who am I? When I am by myself, when I'm not at work, when no one is holding me accountable, when I take into account all of my experiences, when I am awake, when I am asleep, when I know, when I don't know? Who am I?

I am stripped of my dignity, and lost in an ocean of ignorance. I float along the jet stream questioning every choice I have ever made that lead me to this point. Who am I?

I open my eyes every morning, I get up and I shower always asking myself what is next. Who am I?

Following in the footsteps of others, afraid to find my own path. Striking out where no other has set foot, feeling as if I am being chased by my past. Who am I?

Sitting in the floor of my closet in the dark, crying as if I have lost everything, everyone I have ever known or cared about. Who am I?

Gripping the bar tightly as the cart breaches the top of the roller coaster we call life, about to plummet into the unknown. This is where I find myself, Who am I? I don't know... I have no answer to that, but because I seek the truth, there is still hope. Because I desire this answer above all others I have ever asked, there is still hope.

At the bottom, there lies nothing. At the top, there is only fear. Fear of loss, fear of destruction, fear of everything. Agoraphobic and standing outside in the rain.

I see peace through solitude, no one asking, no one shouting. Except my inner thoughts trying to grasp clues that I have left behind during my existence. Putting the puzzle back together. Reading between the lines, looking for the small print that will answer the question that drives me mad. Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? The question beating a chorus in my heart. This has replaced the driving force in my life. It's no longer trying to define why I am here, it's more than that now. This goes even deeper. How can anyone have a purpose if they don't know who they are. Am I good? Am I evil? Am I brave or meek? Intelligent with a hint of naivety? Still no answers coming to me. Maybe I am hollow? Or full to the lip?

Is it not that simple? Maybe I am all these things, maybe I am nothing. Maybe not knowing isn't so bad. Maybe that is the point. Not knowing means I can be anything. Not knowing means that no matter where I am, I am me...

Now there's a thought. Where am I?

Perfect moments....

The perfect moment... it's filled with peace. It happens accidentally, randomly, without you ever realizing it's coming. I have had many perfect moments throughout my life. A flash of an instant where everything seems... amazing. The light flowing, the sounds blowing, and the words... perfect.

Most of the time, we barely notice what is going on around us. There is so much noise, and hoopla happening all of the time, that we have become somewhat neutral to the natural and un-natural existence that is everywhere. Let me set the scene for you...

 Walking through Vegas with a close friend of mine, drunk and mildly burned out by all the noise and flashing lights of the city. We stumble upon a spot, that is silent. There is no sound except our breathing, there is no lights except the constantly changing lines of a nearby building. For a moment, it is perfect.

Rolling over in the middle of the night, waking up your partner for some passionate love making. No noise, no words spoken, just an intimate exchange of emotion through physical touching.

Lying on your bed, the evening light streams through the window. The cool air outside blowing gently on the breeze.

Hiking through the forest, and coming across a babbling brook you had never seen. Surrounded by aspen trees, and green grass. The sounds of the birds chirping, and the water lapping on the rocks surround you.

These are just a few random occurrences of a perfect moment. They happen all the time, but we don't pay attention to them. It is when we feel most at rest, and are not constantly thinking about what is coming, what is happening during our day to day lives. It is a piece of nirvana hidden in a land of regret. I always like to hear about other peoples perfect moments. Maybe it's the birth of your child, maybe it was the sound of the rushing wind as you rocket toward the ground waiting for your chute to open. They come in many forms, all of them just as important as the next. These are the moments that make our lives important, that make them worth living. Everyone has them, sometimes, we just have to refocus to enjoy them, to notice that they are happening.

I encourage you to share your perfect moments in the comments section below. Tell us what they smelled like, what they tasted like, how they changed you, how you can't wait for the next one. Whatever it is, allowing other people to feel what it was that you felt. I know that I for one am always on the lookout for the next. Perfect moment...

Meaningful life...

I always thought that living a meaningful life meant spending it helping others around you. That the only way to successfully live a life of meaning, was to bring meaning to other peoples lives. I now believe that I had the definition wrong. Living a meaningful life is living a life without fear, to live everyday being open to all of the different possibilities that life presents.

I want to pose a question to anyone who might read this column. This is something I have been giving a lot of thought to recently.

How would your life be different if you knew how you were going to die?

This all started because I watched Tim Burton's Big Fish. It really got me thinking. How different would we be, if we knew when and how we were going to go? For some it might be constant stress, finding out you were going to go sooner rather than later. For others, it would be freeing. Even if it were going to be soon, it would change how you lived for even that short period of time.

So here is the kicker, if I knew how I was going to go, I would then know that I could survive anything outside of that. So I would be able to live free, without fear of anything. I could literally do anything knowing that I would survive. I would live everyday without fear, because fear stems from being afraid of death.... How it could happen, how it's going to happen, what will happen after? We struggle with this every single day. But if you knew... then you could do anything, you would be more open to trying new things, no limitations whatsoever.

This thought process has changed how I think now, how I am going to act from here on out. Because whether we know how it's going to happen or not, it's going to happen. It's the one truth, we are all going to die.

So why are we living in fear of death. Whether we die from old age, or fall out of a burning building, the outcome is the same. Death is both permanent and unavoidable, so from here on out, I will be living life without fear of it happening. I will fill every moment of my day with as many experiences as I can. Let us live free from fear, let us exist without worry. You will survive, or you won't. Either way, all you can do is live. If you are lucky enough to be fearless, then you are one of the few that will live truly happy. Maybe that is why, people like to believe that everything happens for a reason. That they have no control over their lives because then they aren't responsible for the outcome.

I on the other hand prefer not to give up my freedom of choice. Not everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean we have complete control over how it turns out. All we can do is choose each day to live well, experience much, and help those we can live the same way. From here on out, I will be that person. No matter what happens, I plan on living a meaningful life.... a life without fear.

AWESOME....ness?

So I keep getting asked what it is that does it for people. They keep saying things like, "You're not that attractive. Your're not that smart, and you're not that unique... why are you so AWESOME!?" (All caps... that's an important fact.) Well kind readers... I am about to share with you why I am so AWESOME! (See... all caps again. I don't even have to hold shift. If I just type the word AWESOME!, Windows seems to know I must be talking about myself and capitalizes it for me.)

As mentioned, I'm not that attractive. I may push a 9 on the 1-10 scale. 

Really? Your a 9? I'd give you a 7 at most.

A 7 is still two points above average... I'll take it, and you can suffer the scoff of my admirers. I'm sure there are some out there. Either way, I am no Tanning Chatum... or whatever. The reason why this makes me AWESOME! is that I don't take my looks for granted. I was an awkward kid... It's true. 

This is the reason you should all be nice to the nerdy kid.... One day... he will  climb into a cocoon, and turn into a prince... or something like that. 

After going from a 6 to a 9... again whatever... I know the power that good looks have over the general population. Lucky for you all, I have chosen to use my looks for the good of all people, by hiding it behind this blog. With that being said, I didn't let my smile drive who I have become. I didn't even let the hurtful names I was called change my bright outlook on life. I knew when people called me, Bucktooth... they were referring to the fact I had a money making smile. 

Bucktooth? That's so kind...

Yeah... they were talking about your "Money making Smile" right.... 

  Thank you for noticing, and not mentioning the fact that I look like a girl in this picture. That's sweet.

Still, even with my universal good looks... this has nothing to do with why I'm AWESOME! It's true...

Well... then, please share... Why are you so AWESOME!? (Wait... I know I didn't hold shift... is my caps lock on? Nope... Weird.)

I'm getting there... Hold your horses. (Where the hell did that phrase come from? Never mind... that's for another post.) I digress. As I was saying... I'm not that smart. I barely outsmarted Voldemort in the Chamber of Secrets, I almost didn't survive against all of the Dementors by the lake, and god knows I just barely outsmarted him the other 4 times. (Wait... was that me?) Who cares... that's not why I'm AWESOME! either...

Pretty sure that was Harry Potter, douche...

  That's right... I just skipped 4th and 5th grade,  went from 7th to 9th  and managed to graduate at 16. As I said before... That's got nothing to do with why I'm AWESOME!

Then please... get on with it. I'm getting bored!

  That sucks for you... I think this is something people want to know. Hence why I'm writing this in the first place... It has nothing to do with being *drunk or anything.... (Clears throat) As I was saying... I'm not that unique. In fact, I am just like everyone else. Sure, I might be better looking than some, and smarter than others, but I'm just trying to get by. Just like everyone else. I know, I know, I managed to define the Meaning of Life... but does that make me special? Does that make me any different than anyone else? No! Not in the slightest. 

(Silence...)

  See, now that's better. Here is the part you have all been waiting for. I'm AWESOME! because of the people I know and love. My family, my friends, and my friends friends. I have learned more than I can say from these people. I have learned not only who I am, but what not to do from these same individuals. I am AWESOME! because they are AWESOME! (Wait... Stupid Windows, I was talking about other people that time... lowercase when that happens... SHEESH!) They have influenced me in more ways than I can say. They are my support system when I'm feeling down, they are my sounding board when I'm feeling creative. They are the core of who I am... you know... outside of the stuff I mentioned above. Everything I am, I owe a small part to those who surround me. So if you think I am vain, if you think I am pompous, if you think at all. Blame them! 

*I am drunk for the record... this started off as a column on World Peace. So much for the Pulitzer... 

Fine... I'll meet you in the middle... 8

The Meaning of life...

Everyone is looking for meaning in their life. We all want to believe that we are part of something, something big. That life isn't just wallowing in debt, fighting to survive, praying that tomorrow isn't going to be as bad as yesterday or today. We all want to be special, and if you believe your 1st grade teacher, then you are. Maybe not get your own Olympics special, but there is something about you that is bigger, badder, and better than anyone else in the world. You just have to figure out what it is. (Lying bitch...)

The reality generally falls incredibly short of this, you are after all just like everyone else. A carbon copy of your parents, or grand parents, your boss, or their boss, etc, etc, etc... The list is ever growing of people who have the exact same skills, the exact same abilities, and even the same combination of charisma, vitality, and mana... (Sorry... slipped into my pocket protector personality from high school for a minute.) But what about all of those commercials from the 80's and every television show ever saying to be an individual? How is everyone striving to be an individual a unique existence? Especially when those same commercials and television shows are promoting fashion trends, brand names, and a hive mentality. You aren't different because you are trying to fit in with everyone else. You're not different because of what you do for a living. I don't care if you work at Mc Donalds, or are the President of the United States. If you pay attention, you both eat, you both sleep, and you both pee in the pool at Water World. The only difference is the pay check, and who your boss is... (And you know, the general roles and responsibilities the position requires...) Outside of that, you are both human beings, striving to find meaning within your life.

Well... That's depressing. So what your telling me is that life doesn't have any meaning?

No, quite the opposite in fact. I am merely explaining why what you are doing isn't working. Stop striving to be different, and just accept who you are. That's step one.

So, then if I am just being myself. Then where do I look for meaning?

That's the key isn't it? This is where many of us struggle. Where do I go to find meaning in life. I can tell you right off the bat, that you won't find it in any self help book at Barnes and Nobles. I can tell you, that your not going to stumble upon it in your next promotion at work. It's not under your couch cushions with all that loose change, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be relayed to you at the end of the Xbox game your so close to beating. I think the reason we all struggle so much with where to look, is because none of us are really looking to begin with. Or if we are looking, we do so as one might peruse the back cover of a book to see if it's something you would be interested reading.

It's important to ask yourself 3 questions when starting your journey to find inner peace and meaning within your life.

What will make me happy?

***
I want to be a writer!
 So be a writer! 

But I haven't gone to school to learn to be a writer.
  I agree you need to learn grammar, and basic spelling to be a great writer. But story is found within, that spark of wisdom that will become art on your page is not learned in school. It bubbles up from your very being, and is the fuel that burns to energize your creative palette. 

But all the jobs I have looked for require a degree in English, or Creative Writing.
  Do you want to be a writer, or do you want to get paid to write? These are two incredibly different things, but neither are mutually exclusive. I also want to be a writer, that is where I find meaning within my own life. I don't get paid to do it. (Not yet at least.) But I love doing it. So I therefore am a writer. 

Yes... I want to get paid for it.
  So is writing going to bring meaning to your life, or is money? 

***
As you can see, finding the understanding within yourself as to what it is that will make you really happy is an important step. Be honest, and don't be surprised when what you think you want still doesn't make you happy. Yes, you are making more money than you can ever spend, but you are also working 100 hours a week, and aren't able to enjoy anything because when your not glued to your cubicle, your asleep. Are you happy? Very few people are able to take what makes them happy, and make it lucrative. Yes, it can happen, and with enough creativity and hard work, I am sure you can as well. But be sure that even if it isn't bringing you gobs of money, you are doing and practicing what it is you love to do. That will start your search for meaning off on the right foot.

Why isn't this working?

***
I am doing what I enjoy doing, and I'm still not happy. Didn't you tell me this would work?
 Pretty sure what I told you was not to be surprised when you do what you 'think' you want to be doing, and it doesn't make you happy. This isn't a game of clear rewards. 

Fine... Then what next O'great leader?
  Stop being sarcastic, I'm trying to help. Do something different. Something you never thought you would try. Jump out of an airplane, dive into an ocean and explore a coral reef. Learn how to play the piano and join a band. This is where I think we fail most often, is by not exploring the possibilities that surround us. Just because you have never done it, and don't think you will enjoy it, doesn't mean it's not what will make you happy. 

***

One of the reasons we are so miserable, is that we get stuck in a rut so to speak. We do the same things day in and day out. They didn't make us happy yesterday, why in the world do we think that by continuing to do them, we'll be happier tomorrow? Break out of your shell and experience something new. It doesn't have to be costly, it just has to be different. Instead of going to the bar this Friday night, go camping for the weekend, take a hike, drag your friends to the lake, and just spend the weekend existing, no apologies, no excuses. Be you... Which is another important step on this journey. Find comfort within yourself. It will sound somewhat cynical, but in the end you are the only person you can rely on. Sure, you can call Mom & Dad when you need a loan, but what happens when they are gone? You need to talk to someone, so you call your best friend. What if they don't answer? Where do you go? You use what senses you have to figure that out. You rely on yourself.


What's next?

***
Alright, so then what?
  Your trying new things, you are attempting to find a better understanding of yourself, and your ancy to make it work faster. I understand. You're going to hate this...

Hate what?
  I can't tell you what is next. You may never find that meaning you so desperately seek. Life for you could continue to be a meaningless void... I can tell you one thing though... most people who seek peace will find it eventually. Here is the kicker.. I'm about to share with you the meaning of life your so desperately seeking. 

And why, couldn't you have just done that in the first place? Instead of making me read, and try things... Asshole!
   Hey, watch the language... you wouldn't have believed me before... The meaning of life is... searching for the meaning of life. 

***


There... that's it. Congratulations on making it this far. Your reward? A stronger understanding of what it is that makes you happy, and the frustrating realization that no book, no blog, and no simple answer will give it to you. It has been said that it's not the destination, but the journey that you'll remember. And so it is again. Also, you should take heart, as I mentioned before. I find meaning within writing, and because you just read this, you support the fact that my life has meaning.

Atheism...

(This is a slightly different kind of post than I would usually do... Recently, I seem to be drawn into religious debates every single day with one person or another. Here is a brief vent on the recent ones I have had. I will avoid posting anything on religion from here on out.)

I think their has been a misconception on the part of Christians...

I constantly see and hear about how you have to have a belief in god to have morals, or values. Everytime there is a disaster people like Patrick Robinson try to blame Atheists, saying that we are responsible... that our lack of belief is causing these terrible things. That not allowing religion in school is the downfall of our education system.

I'd like to point a few things out here...
1) My morals, and my values didn't stem from Christian propaganda. They came from my family, my friends, and comic books... I was raised believing the golden rule. Do unto others as you wish to be done onto you. And I take that very seriously...
I come from a close knit family. When we were kids, everyone was always around, they treated each other with respect, and no one ever said a foul word about anyone else. We were taught to treat everyone with respect... (While that might not be the case now... that is how we were raised.)
And finally, one of the largest sources I had for entertainment growing up was these unbelievable heros... People like Batman, who stood up for what they believe in. Simply a human being fighting for what he knew was right. (He may have had a lot cooler toys than I do... but still an inspiration none the less.) Then you have Superman, he is not even from our planet, and he is doing everything he can to make it just. A happy place of existence. The X-men... even though society, the government, and religous groups hate them because they are "different" doesn't stop them from caring about each and every single person on the planet. These imaginary characters are more American than most of the people who live here.

2) Perhaps it is not our lack of belief that causes things to get out of hand, but the constant oppression we feel from every aspect of a non accepting society that causes so much stress on certain people that they finally break. I mean obviously they were a little... CRAZY in the first place, however, keep in mind this is speculation. But what if rather than constantly telling people how much you hate them for the things they can't control, you try and... I don't know, do as the bible tells you to and love them instead? And by love them, I mean honestly love them, which means accepting their differences, accepting even those things you don't like about them. Treating them... (And this is the important part...) as EQUALS. Spending less time trying to change who they are, and more time trying to build a society that cares more about the person, than the act.  Maybe that would be enough to keep them from going bat shit nuts and shooting up theatres or moscs or going to war with a country for oil rights and blaming it on terrorism...

3) This one is something that has bugged the hell out of me for a while now. The reason why religion was removed from school, is not to piss off the Christian population, but because it is not fair to teach only one religion in schools. For it to honestly be fair, then you would have to teach about ALL religions in school. That would mean everything from Mormonism to Catholocism, from Hinduism to Wicca, Buddhism to Islam... As most people in our country would probably be a little freaked out, (Mistakenly so...) about their child learning that some people have faith in witchcraft, and that it is an actual religion just like Christianity... There really is only one simple explanation. To remove all religion from school grounds. Teach it at home, or don't be a bigot. It makes sense, but the country seems to be convinced that it's all do to Atheism... a non belief in god. To be quite honest I can think of at least 1,000 more likely threats to people... Asteroid, snakes, Super volcanoes, catholic priests (Only if your an alter boy), bears, bees, bacteria... the list goes on, Atheism even falls after such religions as Catholicism, remember the crusades?

All I ever ask is to think before you speak, act, breath, blow your nose, shower... whatever you may do in your day to day life... think for yourself. Don't let others do it for you. Just because you see a post on Facebook, doesn't make it true. Not even this one... this is just my personal thoughts on the topic... Do research and form, wait for it... (This is another important part...) Your own opinions.

Rhythmic Life...

I hear the rhythm in the trees, the winds abated breath.
I feel the rhythm in the sand, the earths rumbling baritone.
I sing the rhythm of the land, a song lost to society.
I play the rhythm of the seas, like a poem flowing free.
I know the rhythm of the heart, the beat of stability.
I see the rhythm of the soul, as creativity flows from an artists brush.

Within every moment, a thousand vibrations. Enourmous possible outcomes. How you act and react to any given situation opens up, and closes many doors. As each situation is unique, so is how you are able to alter the paths around you. Not only your own, but every individual walking the face of Mother Earth. Allow greatness into your life, and let that same amazing energy shine forth. Let it be your lantern in the darkness. We all know that night is eternal, boardering on infernal. Yet that doesn't stop us from plowing forth. Listen to the tune surrounding, follow through your forceful might, and offer a helping hand to those in need. Some walk with ears attuned, others deaf as stone. Many carry candles, few a solar flare. Fortune follows the brave, and diminishes the weak. March forth with your life, and haul the lowly up the hill.

Stop being what people think you ought to be. Be who you are, as long as good intentions drive you. Reach out to the helpless, and help the ones who do not ask. He who is capable of asking, is capable of changing their own lives when given the chance.

Seeing is believing...

I see what you are. I hear what you want to be. I know you have the power to accomplish those dreams, but I fear you lack the drive. I worry about your mental state, while I think you are the most sane person I have ever met. I look at you on a daily basis, yet still don't recognize you. Your laugh is my motivator, and your tears my biggest weakness. I feel your ideas are so deep few will understand you, which draws me toward you. Your eyes are a magnet, your words a vice. Your scent is intoxicating, your taste addicting. Your beliefs are pure, your thoughts a natural disaster. Your desires are unkempt, your ambition scares me. You are the reflection of my inner child, and an image of my darkest ideas. Your flaws are without scar, and your scars without flaw. I know you as I know no other. You are me...

"Get into the practice of staring into a mirror for 10 minutes a day. Not in vanity, but in self reflection. Stare into the eyes of your soul and ask yourself if you are speaking the truth from your heart. Or repeating the beliefs and ideas of others. Take comfort in every flaw you see, because that is what makes you an individual. Not what you do well, but what you struggle to do at all. That is what is beautiful about you, the passion you have for life. To make yourself better in all things, while allowing nothing to bring you down." - Timothy Ralston

Within the darkness...

I have seen the evil that exists within the heart of men. I have seen the fires that burn there, and it has changed me. I walk with the knowledge that all is not lost, for somewhere exists peace. To the evil, consider me a being of light. I will conquer you, not with sanctomonious religious tripe, but with understanding. For that same flame boils my blood as well. Within you, I see myself. I will not fall, for there is no hole I will not climb out of. What you may see as fault, I see as ambition. What you are unable to grasp, I feed upon. Stoking my heart higher, and higher. Eventually my love for all beings will devour the planet. Only then will I find peace, and only then will the paths of fear dry up. That is my dream, to exist without fear of existence. It is the way things are when we stop focusing on the reallity of what is. Good or evil, white or black, left or right, the truth lies within the grey. See yourself for who you are, and no matter the path you take, remember your way. Breadcrumbs can be eaten, and as time takes its toll, the landmarks you see now can change drastically. A map will only get you as far as the edge, then you have to jump into the unknown. What isn't known, should not be feared, but embraced like a child in the arms of a new mother. With every minute ticking slowly away into the dark, make the choice. Make your choice. Be good, be anything really. Just remember to exist now, because tomorrow you might not. This is the grey, this is the way, and I will hold your hand within the darkness.

A lesson in altruism...

A passage from How to be Compassionate by the Dali Lama

- Adversity Helps Build Character -

"Anger destroys love and compassion, and anger is undermined by patience, which is best practiced with an enemy. Without adversaries, you could not fully engage in the practice of patience - tolerance and forbearance. We need enemies to strengthen our practice, and from this spiritual viewpoint we can even be grateful to them. In terms of training in altruism, an enemy is really your guru, your teacher. Since enemies are the greatest teachers of altruism, instead of generating hatred for them, we must view them with gratitude."

It is sometimes hard to remember that if we didn't come across people and things that caused us frustration, there would be no place for us to grow as individuals. Almost daily we are acosted by people or things that cause us discomfort, and if you are able to keep it all in perspective, there is really no better chance to grow. The key to this, is to listen and learn in all aspects of life. For instance, I stubbed my toe this morning in the dark. (After several minutes of cursing.) I came to the conclusion that I had nobody to blame but myself. Had I picked up last night, instead of going to bed, there would have been nothing for me to have jammed my toe into the back of my foot. Not paying attention to the details in my day to day life created this opportunity for Karma to lash out. But one can't say I didn't learn my lesson. The next step is to not fall back on what you have learned. I know myself, and am aware I am just as likely to forget to pick up tomorrow.

In the passage above, the Dali Lama is speaking of enemies as in the people who bring anger into our lives... this morning, my enemy was a piece of wood...

Insanity...

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Let he who is not guilty of insanity speak up now or forever hold your peace. When we are little, everything in life is a game. You look to the bottom of the stairs, and rather than seeing carpet, you see a swimming pool. Imagination... do you remember it? I do.

I grew up without a lot of friends, so imagination was a tool that I used frequently, and with abandon. I was able to derive pleasure from the simplest things. (A silk sheet I used as a wind catch.) It was old and brown, but brought me hours of pleasure. (A cardboard box that was my vehicle to the stars) Everyone else saw a packing crate, but for me it was mission control, a space ship to the moon, and most importantly a kingdom where all of my friends would greet me kindly and say "King Xane! We love you!"  As I got older, it became "Uncool" to play and imagine. You had to "Hang out" and play with real toys. If you can imagine it, I wasn't very popular.

If we continue to play imagination based games as adults without children, people look at us and think that we are mentally challeged, or insane. To this I say to you:

"I am an airplane, flying through life untouched by gravity."

"I am an olympic downhill skier, about to win my 10th Gold Medal."

"I am a dinosaur hunter out to bag the biggest T-Rex ever seen."

What, you can't see it?

I'm sorry! I truely am, but know that just because you are unable to understand, doesn't mean that I am not any of the things above. And without imagination, your life must be outrageously boring, maybe I'm not sorry for you, but I feel pitty none the less. Your everyday life must be excruciating, caught in reality as you are. Unable to fly, or swim the seas, stuck in a cubicle surrounded by silent snores. When my thoughts are at their most unbound, I couldn't even imagine something so cruel. So I am sorry.

Am I insane? Maybe. But I'm okay with it, now if you'll excuse me. I'm about run into a burning building, and save some co-workers trapped in a blaze. "Our Hero!" they'll exclaim, then lift me onto their soot covered shoulders and say, "Someone give him the key to the city!"

"Don't forget that without our imaginations, we would never have achieved anything. People saw the Wright brothers as insane... and they managed to create a flying machine." - Timothy Ralston

Then he said...

For the last few months, I have been feeling trapped. Like a bear in a, well... a trap. (Wasn't as creative as I would have liked.) It has continuously gotten worse, and worse. My job, my home, and with everyone I know. More and more weight pressing down on my shoulders until all my insides were ready to squish out my eyeballs. (How's that for creative?) I have been considering life, and who I was before now.

At one point I was carefree, I lived everyday without worry of consequence. Then one day, it changed. I can't pinpoint when it did, I can't even tell you what caused it. However something flipped, and I got comfortable with my discomfort. Suddenly I was drowning in my own life. Trying to survive, afraid to let loose, of what people thought of me. I was no longer free to be me. (Stupid non-creative bear trap...)

I just can't take it anymore! You can probably tell from my previous post that I have had it up to here (You can't see it, by my hand is really high) with all the crap that is being pushed on top of me... on top of us! Bills galore, politicians making decisions for us that has nothing to do with them, 80 hour work weeks, and not nearly enough time. Then tonight, I had what many therapists (I have problems with the fact that word spells "the rapist") might call a breakthrough.

I said, "FUCK IT!"

I am done with the bullshit I'm swimming in. Take a good look, because I am back, and this time... I'm here to stay. My thoughts, are not yours to control. In fact, they are the only thing keeping me sane. My body is my own, and where it goes, who it knows, and what it sees. Is up to me. Your oppinions matter too.... to you. What I think about you doesn't matter, what your mother, sister, uncle, minister, or third grade teacher thinks... is obtuse, and only important to them. I am tired of being afraid of where I am going, solely because someone may not like it.

And with that realization... He lived happily ever after.

No one else to blame...

Went to bed last night in a world of Technicolor, woke up this morning surrounded by gray. What happened to make me feel this way? Living in a world of people who don’t give a damn, constantly bombarded by hatred and small mindedness, it’s exhausting, it’s depressing, and it’s what we all deal with every day. But I have to ask myself why? Why is it this way? Who was the person who started this snowball rolling downhill of dark and dreary dismay? Then I trace my finger back through history at the excuses of misery thrown around like a child throwing snowballs with friends. We have replaced happiness with desire for something more, something that doesn’t exist. We have placed our belief in God, or Grace, or whatever you might call it. We have washed our hands clean of our mistakes by saying that it was meant to be… well guess what. It isn’t meant to be, things are not supposed to be this way. We use our faith in a higher power as an excuse to be evil and cruel to people who don’t believe. We have removed the possibility of forgiveness because we think that we have already been forgiven. I don’t forgive you, not any of you, you have not even tried to do anything worthy of that. I see someone broken on the street, and my heart bleeds, I feel their pain, I feel their sorrows. And you just walk by, pretending that they don’t exist. Maybe they are homeless, maybe that will be you one day, that is when I will scoff at the beggar lying at my feet. “Please, Please!” You’ll cry, and I will ask if you remembered when it was you standing in my shoes? That’s not true, I could never be so callous, I could never ignore the ignorance and cause more disdain. A helping hand is all you need, and then I’ll pray that your eyes will finally open past what you see, so you might feel what your actions and words do to others. It’s time to care about something more than what meets the eye, because one day we all will die. That’s life’s one certainty, that’s the one thing rich or poor we all share. Not one of us the better, we’re truly all the same... No one else to blame. Except ourselves, and that’s the shame…

World travel...

Due to a slight medical issue, my travel blog is being postponed shortly. (Tore the meniscus in my knee...) This is only a short term adjustment. I will update again once I have a better idea on when it will become a reallity.

I am about to travel the world. My entire life has been spent reading books about all of the amazing things that happen in the world. It's about time that I see it with my own two eyes. Over the last two decades I have developed a bucket list, that I have not completed a single item on. As of Monday, February 1st, 2012 I will start a second blog, my Travel Blog. Throughout the next year, I am going to be posting items from my travels around the states. (Each city and town I visit, I will post whatever I am able to learn about the local area.) I will also write updates on how and when I will start my world tour. This will contain all of the steps I am taking to start the travel process.

When i am awake, I day dream about the many things I could be seeing. When I sleep, I dream about who I could be. It is time that I take a stand and make my dream life a reallity.

Timothy Ralston